Sorry...

I have a confession to make. I am arrogant. I have another confession. I am terribly hard on myself. Actually, I am both of these things, but right now, I'm going to talk about my tendancy to be arrogant.

Every once in a while God uses me to help someone. I fully know it's Him putting the words in my mouth and all that, and it is just awesome to be used by God. But as soon as that helpful thing has taken place, my old friend, you know, the one who comes to "steal, kill and destroy"? Well, he comes to take a beautiful thing that God has done, and try and pump up my pride. So I struggle with it just about every time, and I have learned a few ways to think about it, which I would like to share here.

Lets look at God as a carpenter first. When a carpenter fixes something, a passerby does not say, wow, that hammer did a good job fixing my house. No. They'll say, that carpenter did a good job fixing the house, right? Another example.

The statue of David. It is not recorded as "done by Hercules Sculpting equipment". No. It's done by Michelangelo. I think this point is fairly simple. The artist should get the credit, not the tool. Now here's an even more humbling point.

First of all, God is like super carpenter or artist, he could just push the nails in with His fingers, or shape the stone with His hands.

Now, when you read the first point, about the carpenter and the hammer, did you think, "now hold on, sometimes people do say, 'that hammer did a good job'". This is my more interesting point. In our culture, products are getting more and more credit for what the worker/artists/athlete accomplishes. Nike shoes make Michael Jordan jump higher. Black and Decker make the job look better and get done easier.

But here's what God loves to do. He goes to the tool box, and doesn't take the nice shiny new hammer. He doesn't take the moderately used, average hammer. No, he ducks down, and finds the old hammer that's been sitting on the floor under the desk for months. You know, the one that you didn't really want to look for, because you wanted an excuse to buy a new one anyway. it's covered in rust, and looks like the handle looks like it's ready to be put into the sarcophagus due to masses of duct tape holding it together, and he heads over to the project, and creates the most beautiful piece of art: Just so no one can say, "Oh, that's because he used a top of the line hammer."

Some thing else has happened to. Some thing a keen observer would notice. As the Lord used the hammer, it was being healed. The rust faded, the tape fell away, and when the project was done, The hammer is more beautiful than any other tool in the shop.

I hope this little analogy helps someone else as well. Take care.

So I admit I have been a bit of a baby lately, just in the way that I refused to write any more blogs unless I was receiving some sort of comment, so if there is actually anybody reading them, I'm sorry. Anyone who knows me knows there is always a ton of stuff going through my head, so I will just pick the first one that pops in... Born Again.

So I do a Bible study for a Christian college group called University Christian Ministries (UCM). It is pretty cool, but can be very frustrating at times. I lead the Bible study with another girl, and we were kind of in a rush one, day but we felt we completed a decent Bible study, so we went in there with it.

When we got there, thing just kind of stopped, but fortunately we just read through the Bible, and it was great, we read John 3:1-21. In it Jesus talks about being "born again." And something I never noticed before, he says that he puts this in "earthly terms"

Now if Jesus put it in earthly terms, then there must be more to it, so the Spirit began to work and some cool stuff came out it went some thing like this...

As I was talking, I realized that when we are born again, we are just like a baby: helpless, crying, needy, eating baby food, etc.

I got a strange image though. What if a baby always wanted to be a baby? What if it said, " I'm just going to stay helpless, why would I grow up? Here I get everything brought to me, I get my diaper changed, I get carried around, why would I want to get up out of this crib, try walking, exploring, etc.??"

I asked the attendees, what would you say to such a strange baby? How would you explain that there are so many amazing things to experience out there through growth?

The baby responds, "But what if I get hurt? Won't it just be safer to stay up in this crib? Can't I experience things from someone holding me and carrying me around?"

It's funny, because I would wager that not one person would deny that a baby experience infinitely more pain but getting up, crawling around, walking, running, and generally experiencing life. But at the same time, not one person would say, "your right, its safer to just stay a helpless baby."

I think we're seeing the point.

We do this in our Christian walks. We want to stay in the stage where God carries us around and shows us stuff. We want to eat baby food, have everything brought to us, and be consoled when we are lonely. But any good father would encourage a baby to get up and explore and experience life. And what kind of relationship does a baby have with his father? Not much. But a toddler has a better one, and a teen (if he's not nuts) will have an even better one.

So what I'm saying is, don't be afraid! Get out of your crib! If you stay their, your missing out in the same way a baby is that never wants to get out of her crib. Hope that all made sense. Peace.

Tawmis.

So Much...

As in, there is so much I learned this summer, I'm reluctant to even write anything! But I'll start with this...

So a few years ago I had a good friendship with a girl that I was strongly attracted to. I eventually told her of my feelings and found, to my dissapointment, that they were not reciprocated. I then went through a very painful process of continuing to spend time with her. I told myself that if I ever again was in a situation where I had feelings for a girl, and she didn't, that I would simply discontinue the relationship.

Fast forward to this summer, and we have the same story all over again. Though as I listened to God, I felt very strongly that I needed to continue this new relationship, despite the pain that could, and that already has resulted from it. I didn't know why. At first I thought that it was simply because discontinuing the relationship would just be selfish, as it would be simply to save my own feelings. Then God revealed to me a better reason: to learn about His character.

I have never understood this about God before as well as I do now.

God is untouchable. Invincible. Unvulnerable.

But here is the thing. He makes Himself vulnerable. Think about it. When God loves us, he takes a risk. Even worse, He knows the result in many cases. He knows that He will sometimes offer his heart, only to have it ripped in two by us. Have you ever loved somebody who doesn't love you back? Then you have a vague understanding of God's feelings. It hurts alot.

If you could choose to not love somebody, who you knew would hurt you, would you love them anyway? Not likely. but God does. I cannot overemphasize this.

As Christians we talk alot about God giving up His son and the love that shows, and I don't mean to devalue that. But we close our eyes to the fact that God suffers everyday from our rejection. But there is an amazing side to this to...

It brings God so much joy when we return His love. Imagine that person that you loved, who never loved you, one day coming up to you and hugging you and saying, "I'm sorry, I really do love you." Would it not bring tears to your eyes?

I believe those tears are in the eyes of God as well. And for some reason, it makes all the hurt worth it for Him.

Doubt...

These last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I can't really pinpoint what made them so tough, my head has just been a mess.

Alot of it was feelings of dissatisfaction and isolation. I had a couple of occations where I felt really rejected by certain people. Just like I wasn't even worth a glance. It's not a nice feeling. The fact that I didn't have anyone to share this with kind of compounded my feelings of inadequacy.

Then just doubt. I've had more than my fair share lately. My exams have been far from successful, it seems like all my grades are dropping, and I don't know why. I put the same effort and everything. The doubt thing came to a head when i got a call about a guy wanting to take my room in my house... permanently.

For those of you who don't know, I have to go tree planting every summer, and my only hope of not having to go through all the stress and uncertainty of finding a place to live each fall, is if I can get some one to rent my room for the summer. I don't want to explain why it is so hard on me to not know where I will live in the fall, because it would take too long. Let me just say that the fact that I don't have a car or any home base anywhere in the world is just the start of my difficulties.

I was in bad shape. then I actually started believing what I know.

What is the point of all this? School, work, church, life. Is it not to glorify God? And how do we please God? With faith. Or, it is impossible to please God without faith.

In Philip Yancy's take on Job, God allowed those things to happen to Job because faith is soooo important to God. It tips the scales of the universe. It rattles the chains of eternity. Unlike the pains we experience in our lives, it will be remembered forever. Forever.

As usual, I don't know how long this mind frame will last. It could be a huge step I've taken in my walk. It could be temporary reprieve from the mental burden that I tend to place on myself. But the lesson is true.

Co-Dependant Tree Planting...

I usually wait until I get at least one comment on a blog before I do another one... but oh well...

Tree planting metaphor hit me the other day, and maybe those who don't tree plant will feel left out, but here it goes anyway.

Partner planting. Most people like doing it, because it breaks up the monotony of a day by yourself. There are two kinds of partner planting though. First there is co-dependant planting planting. This is were one planter B is significantly slower than planter A, but planter A feels it is more important to stick with B than to reach his or her full potential and striking out on their own. The second kind is competitive planting. This is where both planters are trying to out plant the other one, which actually makes both of them work harder and faster than they would on their own. They are focused on the prize. That can be money, or it can be God, for God calls us to give our best effort.

*Just to warn you, this metaphor has flaws, but... *

Its just like our walk with God. Sometimes we fall into a co-dependant walk with another person. We start out together in the same place. but as you go, you realize that you are being called to move ahead of your partner, and your just not willing to. Its to hard to abandon the close relationship you had with them. The problem is, if you don't move ahead, you'll never know if that person could keep up with you. But even if you can't, you have to move ahead! One big flaw in this metaphor is that in your walk, God is always with you, though sometimes it can feel like you are planting by yourself.

In a way, its not a flaw, because God is with us when we are planting by ourselves too, and we can see Him all around us if we open our eyes.

Stare at the Sun...

There is a Thrice song that I really relate to. Its called Stare at the Sun, and it is an anthem of a struggling soul, knowing that there's just something wrong with the way they are pursueing God, and in the bridge he expresses that there must be "a mirror that hasn't me my fist," in other words, a way to percieve himself that he has not yet fathomed.

I have made the first step to discover one of those things, and I share it here because I think maybe someone, somewhere could benefit.

Everyone knows God loves and excepts them as a basic principle of Christianity. But I knew I was missing something still. Then it hit me, could someone love me, and still be dissapointed in me? Could someone except me and still be dissapointed in me? The answer is yes. However, a big realization for me one night, is that God is not dissapointed with me. It was amazing to think this. I could barely utter the words, because I believed so strongly that he was dissapointed in me, and that belief is still strong in my heart. I'm working on it. I think part of it is that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I exceed someone expectations, and I can never exceed God's expectations. But what I have to understand is that God takes joy in me anyway. He delights in my prayer and my worship, even if my heart isn't always 100%, He knows I'm trying.

Of course, understanding this in my head is only the first step, and we can never really know how long it will take to get our heart to believe it. But I'll say with Dustin Kensrue from Thrice...

"I'll stare straight, into the sun and I won't close my eyes....


.... till I understand, or go blind."

3 wishes...

I remember when I as little I used to think about what I would wish for if I had 3 wishes. Or any wishes for that matter. Somethings I used to think of was to be stronger, faster, better looking, more popular, etc. A little later in life, I came up with a more sophisticated wish: to be satisfied. So if I had one wish it would be, "Genie, I pray that I would be satisfied in whatever place I fall." With one slight amendment: "and to meanwhile be striving to better myself." Man was I ever clever! But now comes the same delmna that dominated the Victorian age. The contradiction which cause Samuel Smiles to say that for those that could rise above their station they should do so, but for those that can't, they should rest content with their lot. (more or less.)

That's a contradiction! A person cannot be satisfied with a part of their life and still be striving to better it! If I was satisfied with how many push-ups I could do, then what would be the sense of doing more? What would motivate me, other than maintaining that ideal number?

In this light I look upon my character flaws, and my self frustrations. There will be that ever existing tension in me, and I must get used to it. It my lack of satisfaction with my character that will push me to be a better person. Its my lack of faith that will push me to have more. And to end this on a high note, I can never rest thinking, "I'm alright." But I can rest knowing that I am doing my best; making the right steps.

God, may you always give me a nudge when I am not doing my best.

I went to the UCM conference thing this weekend, and it was really good. Probably the high point, or the low point, is when I went for a walk on Sunday night.

By now I know alot of the fundamental truths of Christianity. We are saved by grace, not works and we need to be thankful and trust in God for changes made to my life. But this weekend, I just broke. I was finally able to put something into words:

"God I know I can't earn your love, I already have it. But I want to do better! I want my heart to be pure! I want to worship you in spirit and in truth! I want to focus on you and not on the things of this world! Maybe I'm not obligate to do these things, but I want to!"

This prayer was made in anguish and with much tears. I am seriously sick of my fleshly way of thinking, and I want to change so bad. SO BAD!

I can think of alot of Bible verses that commend this attitude, but honestly, I really don't care if its a good attitude. I don't want a good attitude, I want to change and live a thankful, worshipful life for God. I want to love people that are arrogant and self centered. I want to give of myself and be able to pray for hours for the needs of others without even thinking about it. so much.

The worst thing is I have to work myself up to this attitude. It slips away so easily, and come back with so much effort. I can look back on each day and see actions, thoughts, and words that contradict this desire I have. God save me.

Tawmis.

I haven't written in a while, mostly due to the fact that everytime I was motivated to write, I felt like I was in too much of a downer mood...

Sermon this morning was on Numbers, when the report comes back from the spies, and all but two of them say "the people are too strong! we want to go back to Egypt!" This is a serious lack of faith.

I can't help but wondering sometimes if my decisions to stay home and do homework rather than go out and hike up a mountain or play floor hockey represent a lack of faith that God will pull me through my school work, than a disciplined attitude towards school. Sometimes putting God first in life seems so simple, and at other times it could not be more compicated.

Anyway, I'm taking a weekend off to go on this seminar type thing. I struggled with it alot: I have not taken a weekend off since I started this program. I suppose this will be the test. Am I showing how lazy and selfish I am by going on this trip? Or am I showing my faith and devotion to my walk and others by going on it?

The trouble is, God doesn't alway tell you what you did was right, right after you do it. I will know for sure one day, but for now I can only look to the consequences for guidance. Man do I need dicernment.

Tawmis.