Doubt...

These last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I can't really pinpoint what made them so tough, my head has just been a mess.

Alot of it was feelings of dissatisfaction and isolation. I had a couple of occations where I felt really rejected by certain people. Just like I wasn't even worth a glance. It's not a nice feeling. The fact that I didn't have anyone to share this with kind of compounded my feelings of inadequacy.

Then just doubt. I've had more than my fair share lately. My exams have been far from successful, it seems like all my grades are dropping, and I don't know why. I put the same effort and everything. The doubt thing came to a head when i got a call about a guy wanting to take my room in my house... permanently.

For those of you who don't know, I have to go tree planting every summer, and my only hope of not having to go through all the stress and uncertainty of finding a place to live each fall, is if I can get some one to rent my room for the summer. I don't want to explain why it is so hard on me to not know where I will live in the fall, because it would take too long. Let me just say that the fact that I don't have a car or any home base anywhere in the world is just the start of my difficulties.

I was in bad shape. then I actually started believing what I know.

What is the point of all this? School, work, church, life. Is it not to glorify God? And how do we please God? With faith. Or, it is impossible to please God without faith.

In Philip Yancy's take on Job, God allowed those things to happen to Job because faith is soooo important to God. It tips the scales of the universe. It rattles the chains of eternity. Unlike the pains we experience in our lives, it will be remembered forever. Forever.

As usual, I don't know how long this mind frame will last. It could be a huge step I've taken in my walk. It could be temporary reprieve from the mental burden that I tend to place on myself. But the lesson is true.

Co-Dependant Tree Planting...

I usually wait until I get at least one comment on a blog before I do another one... but oh well...

Tree planting metaphor hit me the other day, and maybe those who don't tree plant will feel left out, but here it goes anyway.

Partner planting. Most people like doing it, because it breaks up the monotony of a day by yourself. There are two kinds of partner planting though. First there is co-dependant planting planting. This is were one planter B is significantly slower than planter A, but planter A feels it is more important to stick with B than to reach his or her full potential and striking out on their own. The second kind is competitive planting. This is where both planters are trying to out plant the other one, which actually makes both of them work harder and faster than they would on their own. They are focused on the prize. That can be money, or it can be God, for God calls us to give our best effort.

*Just to warn you, this metaphor has flaws, but... *

Its just like our walk with God. Sometimes we fall into a co-dependant walk with another person. We start out together in the same place. but as you go, you realize that you are being called to move ahead of your partner, and your just not willing to. Its to hard to abandon the close relationship you had with them. The problem is, if you don't move ahead, you'll never know if that person could keep up with you. But even if you can't, you have to move ahead! One big flaw in this metaphor is that in your walk, God is always with you, though sometimes it can feel like you are planting by yourself.

In a way, its not a flaw, because God is with us when we are planting by ourselves too, and we can see Him all around us if we open our eyes.

Stare at the Sun...

There is a Thrice song that I really relate to. Its called Stare at the Sun, and it is an anthem of a struggling soul, knowing that there's just something wrong with the way they are pursueing God, and in the bridge he expresses that there must be "a mirror that hasn't me my fist," in other words, a way to percieve himself that he has not yet fathomed.

I have made the first step to discover one of those things, and I share it here because I think maybe someone, somewhere could benefit.

Everyone knows God loves and excepts them as a basic principle of Christianity. But I knew I was missing something still. Then it hit me, could someone love me, and still be dissapointed in me? Could someone except me and still be dissapointed in me? The answer is yes. However, a big realization for me one night, is that God is not dissapointed with me. It was amazing to think this. I could barely utter the words, because I believed so strongly that he was dissapointed in me, and that belief is still strong in my heart. I'm working on it. I think part of it is that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I exceed someone expectations, and I can never exceed God's expectations. But what I have to understand is that God takes joy in me anyway. He delights in my prayer and my worship, even if my heart isn't always 100%, He knows I'm trying.

Of course, understanding this in my head is only the first step, and we can never really know how long it will take to get our heart to believe it. But I'll say with Dustin Kensrue from Thrice...

"I'll stare straight, into the sun and I won't close my eyes....


.... till I understand, or go blind."