Friday, February 13, 2009
If I start on a sadder note, I usually pick it up by the end of my post, but I'm not making any promises, this could be depressing.
I don't think a lot of the following thoughts are very healthy, and they are also very selfish, but I will allow myself this one time to be completely honest, especially since it appears as though no one really ever reads this... (see comments for the past 12 posts... 0 comments, 0 comments, etc.)
I was struck by my situation today, because I feel like it is uncommon.
I am in the grocery store, buying my sister a little Valentine's gift, shopping for my family, getting ready to take care of my niece, who lives at my house. I am not going out tonight, I am taking care of her. When I go out tomorrow night, I am taking her with me so that my sister can have a weekend away with her friend.
Sound a little self-righteous? Well it is.
Here's the thing. I am still single. 5 years now. Not a single date.
My love life is a combination of rejection, disappointment, and being the reject-er. Sometimes it is really harsh being the reject-er, because you look into that persons eyes and you see that all-to-familiar pain, and now you are the source of it.
There are a lot of things that bother me about that. Namely it is hard to not think, "what is wrong with me?" Doesn't this sound like a good profile?:
27 year old male, physically fit, healthy eater, leader in local congregation, cares for/lives with younger sister and niece, singer/songwriter, Bachelor of Arts & Bachelor of Education, cooks, cleans, responsible, committed, passionate, and above all, loves Jesus with all His heart.
Maybe arrogance is my problem... :)
Seriously though, humility is not denying what God has done in me. I don't know. The biggest problem is, that sometimes these facts lead to believe that God does not love me. Either He can't control what is going on, or He doesn't care enough to change anything.
But you know what? I refuse to believe that. I know God. He is good. Not only that but His plans are so much better than mine. I know that He deeply desires to give us everything we ever could want, which is why He gave Himself to us... because even though we don't realize it sometimes, the only thing that will every truly make us go, "I don't want anything else," is to be with God. Even finding the most amazing girl in the world won't fix me.
So now that that is over, I'm free to move on with my life.. ha ha. This will continue to come up, but as His grace increases, I will love Him more and more, and one day I'll really be able to say,
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."
You can pray for me if you think of it.