Sunday, January 22, 2006

I went to the UCM conference thing this weekend, and it was really good. Probably the high point, or the low point, is when I went for a walk on Sunday night.

By now I know alot of the fundamental truths of Christianity. We are saved by grace, not works and we need to be thankful and trust in God for changes made to my life. But this weekend, I just broke. I was finally able to put something into words:

"God I know I can't earn your love, I already have it. But I want to do better! I want my heart to be pure! I want to worship you in spirit and in truth! I want to focus on you and not on the things of this world! Maybe I'm not obligate to do these things, but I want to!"

This prayer was made in anguish and with much tears. I am seriously sick of my fleshly way of thinking, and I want to change so bad. SO BAD!

I can think of alot of Bible verses that commend this attitude, but honestly, I really don't care if its a good attitude. I don't want a good attitude, I want to change and live a thankful, worshipful life for God. I want to love people that are arrogant and self centered. I want to give of myself and be able to pray for hours for the needs of others without even thinking about it. so much.

The worst thing is I have to work myself up to this attitude. It slips away so easily, and come back with so much effort. I can look back on each day and see actions, thoughts, and words that contradict this desire I have. God save me.

Tawmis.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

I haven't written in a while, mostly due to the fact that everytime I was motivated to write, I felt like I was in too much of a downer mood...

Sermon this morning was on Numbers, when the report comes back from the spies, and all but two of them say "the people are too strong! we want to go back to Egypt!" This is a serious lack of faith.

I can't help but wondering sometimes if my decisions to stay home and do homework rather than go out and hike up a mountain or play floor hockey represent a lack of faith that God will pull me through my school work, than a disciplined attitude towards school. Sometimes putting God first in life seems so simple, and at other times it could not be more compicated.

Anyway, I'm taking a weekend off to go on this seminar type thing. I struggled with it alot: I have not taken a weekend off since I started this program. I suppose this will be the test. Am I showing how lazy and selfish I am by going on this trip? Or am I showing my faith and devotion to my walk and others by going on it?

The trouble is, God doesn't alway tell you what you did was right, right after you do it. I will know for sure one day, but for now I can only look to the consequences for guidance. Man do I need dicernment.

Tawmis.