New group, good bunch of people at school, go under the name "UCM"; University Christian Ministries... or thats my best guess anyway.

So I was asked to share something at one of their meetings, and let me tell you, I find this group one of the most intimidating... really strong Christians there, fun group, but really take their faith seriously, and I don't know them that well yet, so I planned to share something from this page actually, the first thing I blogged... its pretty straight forward, relevant to the college crew... you know.

Then all of a sudden God was like, "Tawmis, you can't help people by just saying something clever, it has to be My words, you don't know whats in the heart of these people; what they need to hear, I do." So I'm like (as some people could predict) "of course... I'm such an idiot... so what should I say God? Give me your message for these people.

Guess what He brought up? That issue that had offended a couple at my other talk. I'm like, well maybe. Then he brought something else up. "you know what else Tawmis? You should share that song that I gave you this year." Now I'm like, "no, your kidding, right?" So there are several reasons I'm fighting this now.

1. I have almost no time to work this idea into a single solid idea
2.If I don't find a tactful way of doing this, I will make enemies of a bunch of people I don't even know
3. I can't help thinking prideful thoughts about singing my song.

So now I'm thinking, is this God? Or my own show-off nature? Its actually a huge issue for me. I want to sing, share my songs, my gift, but I have a hard time separating my pride from it, and really giving all the credit to God in my heart. Honestly, when i think about it, I'm not even that good. But it sneaks up on me, little thoughts like, "yeah, everyone is going to think your so great if they know you write and perform your own music..." I HATE those thoughts, but they come, and honestly, the only time I can sing and play guitar with peace in my heart now is when I'm alone, becasue I know that there is no pride in that, no one to sing to, no audience.

Anyway, to end the story, I got past all that stuff, if only during the time I was doing my talk, God spoke in huge ways that morning, and it went really well, then part II of the delemna starts... the compliments. I made a point of avoiding people that were at the meeting that morning, because they would talk about it, and I didn't want to talk about it.

Nevertheless, people found me, and said "good job" and "thanks" and I really wanted to stop them and explain that its not me... its God, i don't have anything in me that touches and heals hearts, everything that morning was God. But it just was making to big a deal of it, and I just lowered my eyes and muttered a quick, "thanks" because I know people are just trying to encourage me. I got to explain my feeling on the topic to one person, so that was good.

In the end, I'm no closer to finding an answer of how to separate my pride from these things, and to truly knowing in the depths of my soul that my everybreath, every note, every good thing comes from my Father in heaven. Pretty frustrating.

God has really been showing me alot about His character through the old Testament lately...

I've told some of you there was this girl out tree planting this year, who has a heart for God, but just can't seem to get past a certain thing in her life. I don't want to be too arogant, but I believe its just that she can't see how beautiful God sees her as, and how beautiful God has made her through His son's sacrifice. Really hard for me to see.

I've seen it several times, I believe. Actually, lots of times. The interesting thing was I was reading a Philip Yancy book at the time called, "The Bible Jesus Read," and it talks about how the major prophet books are in alot of ways God telling us how he feels. Interestingly enough, he uses a metaphor of a young girl, who he adopts and raises into a beautiful queen. This is a metaphor for the nation of Israel. The woman he loves, raises, and cares for eventually starts to prostitute herself to the world, breaking God's heart.

Of course, my experience is only a small representation of what happened to God as well. Then the other night I had to speak, and during the talk, I was able to share my heart on that issue, about girls not seeing how beautiful they are to God. Some people got offended by it, and I struggled with what I should do about it.

At the peak of my anxiety, I cracked open the Bible and guess where I started reading? In Ezekiel, where God is expressing just that metaphor I was talking about. It was pretty crazy. I'm not 100% yet, but I believe this is the first time ever God has ever prompted me to say something potentially offensive, and I did. I really hope some good things come out of it. And I am praying that I would be able to express myself more clearly to anyone that misunderstood, but yeah.

The point is, getting to know God is sometimes not pleasant, in a secular way at least. God has been hurt alot, and to understand that, we have to really be sorrowful sometimes, but we have a promise, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." More on this later.

Hey! No one is commenting!! Oh well... its a good lead in...

Cory's post kinda made me think about this, again. As I have shared with some people last year was a time of extreme solo time. I had little or not close male or female friends, and I often wrestled with my feelings of lonelyness which I felt seriously took away from my time with God last year. It kept me from being thankful alot of the time, not to mention being extremely miserable and hard... a whole school year... alone.

The hardest thing about it, was that the Bible back up my complaints. Jesus had his close circle of friends, Paul did, even Job had his friends come around.

When I got to Nanaimo, I almost started to panic when I started seeing the same patterns happening again. I'm not exactly sure what happened then. I know I started to take notes when I studied the Bible. I know I wrote some more songs. But I don't know if either of these things explains the way I was suddenly okay one day. God just revealed himself to me in a new way. I can't explain it.

So whats the point? Well, the point is, sometimes, you have a bad attitude, struggle with self-pity, or something else. Now, I'm not just saying lay down and wait it out. I'm saying the opposite... Keep moving! That being said, sometimes to just keep moving is the hardest thing at all. But I think God let me go through this for a number of reasons, but one is to remind me that its just His strength that does it in the end. I tried everything to get out of my self-pity/lonliness/whatever. But in the end, it was just God's grace.

Another thing that happened after I got over this, the friends started showing up. After I was taught (I can't even take the credit for learning this) to rely on God again, it was okay for me to have friends again. I just gotta remember to lean on God.

Hey, heres one thats a little harder to share, it really reveals how, well, lame I am sometimes. maybe some single people out there can relate to this a bit. Well, I am constantly surrounded by girls. there is about 1 guy for every 10 girls in my program. When I see beautiful girls, I automatically kinda yearn for a wife, or at least a girlfriend. One thing that God has really put on my heart is, instead of choosing to think about how beautiful my wife will be one day (which isn't necessarily bad, but can have negative consequences), think about how beautiful God is. I know this sounds kinda wierd, but God is so beautiful in so many ways, and He laid this little Chorus on my heart.

You are beautiful,
Like a promise never broken,
Like long hidden love, out; spoken
Like the prison gates flung open,
You are beautiful,
Like the only real safe place, to put my hope in.

Its not the cure to lonelyness, but I found these thoughts encourage me often. Hope someone else finds them encouraging.

Just wanted everyone to know that even though it wasn't the point of my post, I had some friends come over Sunday night after all, it was kinda spontaneous... I guess your supposed to tell everyone it your birthday... anyway the point is, God really blessed me through some friends I have here, and some that are not usually here. Don't want to sound like too much of a downer!

Wow! I got another one already! so its my birthday tomorrow, and as usual, there's really nothing happening. I was thinking about it and I was also watching Big Daddy yesterday, and in particular the part at the very end when his friends drag him out of his office for a little birthday celebration. It struck me that the reason that doesn't happen is because I don't have any close, lasting relationships like Adam Sandler's character had in the movie. So what if someone did throw me a party anyway? Or what if I made a really big effort to remember one persons birthday? Well, that would be going through the motions without actually having the relationship.

This whole thing turned out to be a great metaphor for Chrisitanity. the acts of kindness and caring come out of a close relationship where that person is often on your mind. However, sometimes, throwing a surprise birthday party for someone can be the first step to a closer realtionship. Most people know all this in someway already, but it really illustrated it for me... lets not get too focused on how we act, but aslo work on our relationship with Christ, balance the faith and the works.

Tawmis.

So I was in Vancouver this summer, and I was wandering the streets, and of course I came across some beggars. This got me thinking... This beggar probably has more money than I do, considering all my student loans. Seriously, if I sold everything I owned, I'd probably still be in the hole. So what is the difference between us?

I decided there is only one thing... Hope.

When I spend that money on my education, I am trusting in the promises of the school and the testimony of others, that I graduate, I will have the means to make enought money to live, and to pay off my debts. So even though financially, I am worse off than the beggar, I have hope in a promise.

If I put so much trust in this school system, which could crumble tomorrow, how much more trust should I put in God and His promises? And secondly, look at how much more valuable it is to give hope, rather than to just give money. Alot of thoughts could come our of this.