New group, good bunch of people at school, go under the name "UCM"; University Christian Ministries... or thats my best guess anyway.

So I was asked to share something at one of their meetings, and let me tell you, I find this group one of the most intimidating... really strong Christians there, fun group, but really take their faith seriously, and I don't know them that well yet, so I planned to share something from this page actually, the first thing I blogged... its pretty straight forward, relevant to the college crew... you know.

Then all of a sudden God was like, "Tawmis, you can't help people by just saying something clever, it has to be My words, you don't know whats in the heart of these people; what they need to hear, I do." So I'm like (as some people could predict) "of course... I'm such an idiot... so what should I say God? Give me your message for these people.

Guess what He brought up? That issue that had offended a couple at my other talk. I'm like, well maybe. Then he brought something else up. "you know what else Tawmis? You should share that song that I gave you this year." Now I'm like, "no, your kidding, right?" So there are several reasons I'm fighting this now.

1. I have almost no time to work this idea into a single solid idea
2.If I don't find a tactful way of doing this, I will make enemies of a bunch of people I don't even know
3. I can't help thinking prideful thoughts about singing my song.

So now I'm thinking, is this God? Or my own show-off nature? Its actually a huge issue for me. I want to sing, share my songs, my gift, but I have a hard time separating my pride from it, and really giving all the credit to God in my heart. Honestly, when i think about it, I'm not even that good. But it sneaks up on me, little thoughts like, "yeah, everyone is going to think your so great if they know you write and perform your own music..." I HATE those thoughts, but they come, and honestly, the only time I can sing and play guitar with peace in my heart now is when I'm alone, becasue I know that there is no pride in that, no one to sing to, no audience.

Anyway, to end the story, I got past all that stuff, if only during the time I was doing my talk, God spoke in huge ways that morning, and it went really well, then part II of the delemna starts... the compliments. I made a point of avoiding people that were at the meeting that morning, because they would talk about it, and I didn't want to talk about it.

Nevertheless, people found me, and said "good job" and "thanks" and I really wanted to stop them and explain that its not me... its God, i don't have anything in me that touches and heals hearts, everything that morning was God. But it just was making to big a deal of it, and I just lowered my eyes and muttered a quick, "thanks" because I know people are just trying to encourage me. I got to explain my feeling on the topic to one person, so that was good.

In the end, I'm no closer to finding an answer of how to separate my pride from these things, and to truly knowing in the depths of my soul that my everybreath, every note, every good thing comes from my Father in heaven. Pretty frustrating.