Stare at the Sun...

There is a Thrice song that I really relate to. Its called Stare at the Sun, and it is an anthem of a struggling soul, knowing that there's just something wrong with the way they are pursueing God, and in the bridge he expresses that there must be "a mirror that hasn't me my fist," in other words, a way to percieve himself that he has not yet fathomed.

I have made the first step to discover one of those things, and I share it here because I think maybe someone, somewhere could benefit.

Everyone knows God loves and excepts them as a basic principle of Christianity. But I knew I was missing something still. Then it hit me, could someone love me, and still be dissapointed in me? Could someone except me and still be dissapointed in me? The answer is yes. However, a big realization for me one night, is that God is not dissapointed with me. It was amazing to think this. I could barely utter the words, because I believed so strongly that he was dissapointed in me, and that belief is still strong in my heart. I'm working on it. I think part of it is that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I exceed someone expectations, and I can never exceed God's expectations. But what I have to understand is that God takes joy in me anyway. He delights in my prayer and my worship, even if my heart isn't always 100%, He knows I'm trying.

Of course, understanding this in my head is only the first step, and we can never really know how long it will take to get our heart to believe it. But I'll say with Dustin Kensrue from Thrice...

"I'll stare straight, into the sun and I won't close my eyes....


.... till I understand, or go blind."