Doubt...

These last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I can't really pinpoint what made them so tough, my head has just been a mess.

Alot of it was feelings of dissatisfaction and isolation. I had a couple of occations where I felt really rejected by certain people. Just like I wasn't even worth a glance. It's not a nice feeling. The fact that I didn't have anyone to share this with kind of compounded my feelings of inadequacy.

Then just doubt. I've had more than my fair share lately. My exams have been far from successful, it seems like all my grades are dropping, and I don't know why. I put the same effort and everything. The doubt thing came to a head when i got a call about a guy wanting to take my room in my house... permanently.

For those of you who don't know, I have to go tree planting every summer, and my only hope of not having to go through all the stress and uncertainty of finding a place to live each fall, is if I can get some one to rent my room for the summer. I don't want to explain why it is so hard on me to not know where I will live in the fall, because it would take too long. Let me just say that the fact that I don't have a car or any home base anywhere in the world is just the start of my difficulties.

I was in bad shape. then I actually started believing what I know.

What is the point of all this? School, work, church, life. Is it not to glorify God? And how do we please God? With faith. Or, it is impossible to please God without faith.

In Philip Yancy's take on Job, God allowed those things to happen to Job because faith is soooo important to God. It tips the scales of the universe. It rattles the chains of eternity. Unlike the pains we experience in our lives, it will be remembered forever. Forever.

As usual, I don't know how long this mind frame will last. It could be a huge step I've taken in my walk. It could be temporary reprieve from the mental burden that I tend to place on myself. But the lesson is true.

Co-Dependant Tree Planting...

I usually wait until I get at least one comment on a blog before I do another one... but oh well...

Tree planting metaphor hit me the other day, and maybe those who don't tree plant will feel left out, but here it goes anyway.

Partner planting. Most people like doing it, because it breaks up the monotony of a day by yourself. There are two kinds of partner planting though. First there is co-dependant planting planting. This is were one planter B is significantly slower than planter A, but planter A feels it is more important to stick with B than to reach his or her full potential and striking out on their own. The second kind is competitive planting. This is where both planters are trying to out plant the other one, which actually makes both of them work harder and faster than they would on their own. They are focused on the prize. That can be money, or it can be God, for God calls us to give our best effort.

*Just to warn you, this metaphor has flaws, but... *

Its just like our walk with God. Sometimes we fall into a co-dependant walk with another person. We start out together in the same place. but as you go, you realize that you are being called to move ahead of your partner, and your just not willing to. Its to hard to abandon the close relationship you had with them. The problem is, if you don't move ahead, you'll never know if that person could keep up with you. But even if you can't, you have to move ahead! One big flaw in this metaphor is that in your walk, God is always with you, though sometimes it can feel like you are planting by yourself.

In a way, its not a flaw, because God is with us when we are planting by ourselves too, and we can see Him all around us if we open our eyes.

Stare at the Sun...

There is a Thrice song that I really relate to. Its called Stare at the Sun, and it is an anthem of a struggling soul, knowing that there's just something wrong with the way they are pursueing God, and in the bridge he expresses that there must be "a mirror that hasn't me my fist," in other words, a way to percieve himself that he has not yet fathomed.

I have made the first step to discover one of those things, and I share it here because I think maybe someone, somewhere could benefit.

Everyone knows God loves and excepts them as a basic principle of Christianity. But I knew I was missing something still. Then it hit me, could someone love me, and still be dissapointed in me? Could someone except me and still be dissapointed in me? The answer is yes. However, a big realization for me one night, is that God is not dissapointed with me. It was amazing to think this. I could barely utter the words, because I believed so strongly that he was dissapointed in me, and that belief is still strong in my heart. I'm working on it. I think part of it is that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I exceed someone expectations, and I can never exceed God's expectations. But what I have to understand is that God takes joy in me anyway. He delights in my prayer and my worship, even if my heart isn't always 100%, He knows I'm trying.

Of course, understanding this in my head is only the first step, and we can never really know how long it will take to get our heart to believe it. But I'll say with Dustin Kensrue from Thrice...

"I'll stare straight, into the sun and I won't close my eyes....


.... till I understand, or go blind."

3 wishes...

I remember when I as little I used to think about what I would wish for if I had 3 wishes. Or any wishes for that matter. Somethings I used to think of was to be stronger, faster, better looking, more popular, etc. A little later in life, I came up with a more sophisticated wish: to be satisfied. So if I had one wish it would be, "Genie, I pray that I would be satisfied in whatever place I fall." With one slight amendment: "and to meanwhile be striving to better myself." Man was I ever clever! But now comes the same delmna that dominated the Victorian age. The contradiction which cause Samuel Smiles to say that for those that could rise above their station they should do so, but for those that can't, they should rest content with their lot. (more or less.)

That's a contradiction! A person cannot be satisfied with a part of their life and still be striving to better it! If I was satisfied with how many push-ups I could do, then what would be the sense of doing more? What would motivate me, other than maintaining that ideal number?

In this light I look upon my character flaws, and my self frustrations. There will be that ever existing tension in me, and I must get used to it. It my lack of satisfaction with my character that will push me to be a better person. Its my lack of faith that will push me to have more. And to end this on a high note, I can never rest thinking, "I'm alright." But I can rest knowing that I am doing my best; making the right steps.

God, may you always give me a nudge when I am not doing my best.

I went to the UCM conference thing this weekend, and it was really good. Probably the high point, or the low point, is when I went for a walk on Sunday night.

By now I know alot of the fundamental truths of Christianity. We are saved by grace, not works and we need to be thankful and trust in God for changes made to my life. But this weekend, I just broke. I was finally able to put something into words:

"God I know I can't earn your love, I already have it. But I want to do better! I want my heart to be pure! I want to worship you in spirit and in truth! I want to focus on you and not on the things of this world! Maybe I'm not obligate to do these things, but I want to!"

This prayer was made in anguish and with much tears. I am seriously sick of my fleshly way of thinking, and I want to change so bad. SO BAD!

I can think of alot of Bible verses that commend this attitude, but honestly, I really don't care if its a good attitude. I don't want a good attitude, I want to change and live a thankful, worshipful life for God. I want to love people that are arrogant and self centered. I want to give of myself and be able to pray for hours for the needs of others without even thinking about it. so much.

The worst thing is I have to work myself up to this attitude. It slips away so easily, and come back with so much effort. I can look back on each day and see actions, thoughts, and words that contradict this desire I have. God save me.

Tawmis.

I haven't written in a while, mostly due to the fact that everytime I was motivated to write, I felt like I was in too much of a downer mood...

Sermon this morning was on Numbers, when the report comes back from the spies, and all but two of them say "the people are too strong! we want to go back to Egypt!" This is a serious lack of faith.

I can't help but wondering sometimes if my decisions to stay home and do homework rather than go out and hike up a mountain or play floor hockey represent a lack of faith that God will pull me through my school work, than a disciplined attitude towards school. Sometimes putting God first in life seems so simple, and at other times it could not be more compicated.

Anyway, I'm taking a weekend off to go on this seminar type thing. I struggled with it alot: I have not taken a weekend off since I started this program. I suppose this will be the test. Am I showing how lazy and selfish I am by going on this trip? Or am I showing my faith and devotion to my walk and others by going on it?

The trouble is, God doesn't alway tell you what you did was right, right after you do it. I will know for sure one day, but for now I can only look to the consequences for guidance. Man do I need dicernment.

Tawmis.

New group, good bunch of people at school, go under the name "UCM"; University Christian Ministries... or thats my best guess anyway.

So I was asked to share something at one of their meetings, and let me tell you, I find this group one of the most intimidating... really strong Christians there, fun group, but really take their faith seriously, and I don't know them that well yet, so I planned to share something from this page actually, the first thing I blogged... its pretty straight forward, relevant to the college crew... you know.

Then all of a sudden God was like, "Tawmis, you can't help people by just saying something clever, it has to be My words, you don't know whats in the heart of these people; what they need to hear, I do." So I'm like (as some people could predict) "of course... I'm such an idiot... so what should I say God? Give me your message for these people.

Guess what He brought up? That issue that had offended a couple at my other talk. I'm like, well maybe. Then he brought something else up. "you know what else Tawmis? You should share that song that I gave you this year." Now I'm like, "no, your kidding, right?" So there are several reasons I'm fighting this now.

1. I have almost no time to work this idea into a single solid idea
2.If I don't find a tactful way of doing this, I will make enemies of a bunch of people I don't even know
3. I can't help thinking prideful thoughts about singing my song.

So now I'm thinking, is this God? Or my own show-off nature? Its actually a huge issue for me. I want to sing, share my songs, my gift, but I have a hard time separating my pride from it, and really giving all the credit to God in my heart. Honestly, when i think about it, I'm not even that good. But it sneaks up on me, little thoughts like, "yeah, everyone is going to think your so great if they know you write and perform your own music..." I HATE those thoughts, but they come, and honestly, the only time I can sing and play guitar with peace in my heart now is when I'm alone, becasue I know that there is no pride in that, no one to sing to, no audience.

Anyway, to end the story, I got past all that stuff, if only during the time I was doing my talk, God spoke in huge ways that morning, and it went really well, then part II of the delemna starts... the compliments. I made a point of avoiding people that were at the meeting that morning, because they would talk about it, and I didn't want to talk about it.

Nevertheless, people found me, and said "good job" and "thanks" and I really wanted to stop them and explain that its not me... its God, i don't have anything in me that touches and heals hearts, everything that morning was God. But it just was making to big a deal of it, and I just lowered my eyes and muttered a quick, "thanks" because I know people are just trying to encourage me. I got to explain my feeling on the topic to one person, so that was good.

In the end, I'm no closer to finding an answer of how to separate my pride from these things, and to truly knowing in the depths of my soul that my everybreath, every note, every good thing comes from my Father in heaven. Pretty frustrating.

God has really been showing me alot about His character through the old Testament lately...

I've told some of you there was this girl out tree planting this year, who has a heart for God, but just can't seem to get past a certain thing in her life. I don't want to be too arogant, but I believe its just that she can't see how beautiful God sees her as, and how beautiful God has made her through His son's sacrifice. Really hard for me to see.

I've seen it several times, I believe. Actually, lots of times. The interesting thing was I was reading a Philip Yancy book at the time called, "The Bible Jesus Read," and it talks about how the major prophet books are in alot of ways God telling us how he feels. Interestingly enough, he uses a metaphor of a young girl, who he adopts and raises into a beautiful queen. This is a metaphor for the nation of Israel. The woman he loves, raises, and cares for eventually starts to prostitute herself to the world, breaking God's heart.

Of course, my experience is only a small representation of what happened to God as well. Then the other night I had to speak, and during the talk, I was able to share my heart on that issue, about girls not seeing how beautiful they are to God. Some people got offended by it, and I struggled with what I should do about it.

At the peak of my anxiety, I cracked open the Bible and guess where I started reading? In Ezekiel, where God is expressing just that metaphor I was talking about. It was pretty crazy. I'm not 100% yet, but I believe this is the first time ever God has ever prompted me to say something potentially offensive, and I did. I really hope some good things come out of it. And I am praying that I would be able to express myself more clearly to anyone that misunderstood, but yeah.

The point is, getting to know God is sometimes not pleasant, in a secular way at least. God has been hurt alot, and to understand that, we have to really be sorrowful sometimes, but we have a promise, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." More on this later.

Hey! No one is commenting!! Oh well... its a good lead in...

Cory's post kinda made me think about this, again. As I have shared with some people last year was a time of extreme solo time. I had little or not close male or female friends, and I often wrestled with my feelings of lonelyness which I felt seriously took away from my time with God last year. It kept me from being thankful alot of the time, not to mention being extremely miserable and hard... a whole school year... alone.

The hardest thing about it, was that the Bible back up my complaints. Jesus had his close circle of friends, Paul did, even Job had his friends come around.

When I got to Nanaimo, I almost started to panic when I started seeing the same patterns happening again. I'm not exactly sure what happened then. I know I started to take notes when I studied the Bible. I know I wrote some more songs. But I don't know if either of these things explains the way I was suddenly okay one day. God just revealed himself to me in a new way. I can't explain it.

So whats the point? Well, the point is, sometimes, you have a bad attitude, struggle with self-pity, or something else. Now, I'm not just saying lay down and wait it out. I'm saying the opposite... Keep moving! That being said, sometimes to just keep moving is the hardest thing at all. But I think God let me go through this for a number of reasons, but one is to remind me that its just His strength that does it in the end. I tried everything to get out of my self-pity/lonliness/whatever. But in the end, it was just God's grace.

Another thing that happened after I got over this, the friends started showing up. After I was taught (I can't even take the credit for learning this) to rely on God again, it was okay for me to have friends again. I just gotta remember to lean on God.

Hey, heres one thats a little harder to share, it really reveals how, well, lame I am sometimes. maybe some single people out there can relate to this a bit. Well, I am constantly surrounded by girls. there is about 1 guy for every 10 girls in my program. When I see beautiful girls, I automatically kinda yearn for a wife, or at least a girlfriend. One thing that God has really put on my heart is, instead of choosing to think about how beautiful my wife will be one day (which isn't necessarily bad, but can have negative consequences), think about how beautiful God is. I know this sounds kinda wierd, but God is so beautiful in so many ways, and He laid this little Chorus on my heart.

You are beautiful,
Like a promise never broken,
Like long hidden love, out; spoken
Like the prison gates flung open,
You are beautiful,
Like the only real safe place, to put my hope in.

Its not the cure to lonelyness, but I found these thoughts encourage me often. Hope someone else finds them encouraging.

Just wanted everyone to know that even though it wasn't the point of my post, I had some friends come over Sunday night after all, it was kinda spontaneous... I guess your supposed to tell everyone it your birthday... anyway the point is, God really blessed me through some friends I have here, and some that are not usually here. Don't want to sound like too much of a downer!

Wow! I got another one already! so its my birthday tomorrow, and as usual, there's really nothing happening. I was thinking about it and I was also watching Big Daddy yesterday, and in particular the part at the very end when his friends drag him out of his office for a little birthday celebration. It struck me that the reason that doesn't happen is because I don't have any close, lasting relationships like Adam Sandler's character had in the movie. So what if someone did throw me a party anyway? Or what if I made a really big effort to remember one persons birthday? Well, that would be going through the motions without actually having the relationship.

This whole thing turned out to be a great metaphor for Chrisitanity. the acts of kindness and caring come out of a close relationship where that person is often on your mind. However, sometimes, throwing a surprise birthday party for someone can be the first step to a closer realtionship. Most people know all this in someway already, but it really illustrated it for me... lets not get too focused on how we act, but aslo work on our relationship with Christ, balance the faith and the works.

Tawmis.

So I was in Vancouver this summer, and I was wandering the streets, and of course I came across some beggars. This got me thinking... This beggar probably has more money than I do, considering all my student loans. Seriously, if I sold everything I owned, I'd probably still be in the hole. So what is the difference between us?

I decided there is only one thing... Hope.

When I spend that money on my education, I am trusting in the promises of the school and the testimony of others, that I graduate, I will have the means to make enought money to live, and to pay off my debts. So even though financially, I am worse off than the beggar, I have hope in a promise.

If I put so much trust in this school system, which could crumble tomorrow, how much more trust should I put in God and His promises? And secondly, look at how much more valuable it is to give hope, rather than to just give money. Alot of thoughts could come our of this.