Victory vs Failure

A Man stands upon the battle field. His armour is broken and worn. His legs feel as though they are about to collapse under him, and the sword in his hand may as well be a giant boulder with a handle. He looks in front of him and sees a vast army without mercy, filled with hatred and united to the end of sending him to the next life. He looks behind him so see a ragged group of men who are looking to him to decide whether they run or turn and fight.

He raises his sword and runs towards the opposing army. Though anyone would tell you it is foolishness, his followers pursue with a determination that was teetering on the verge of extinction a moment ago; they know this is the right choice.

There is something about this scene, one I have seen in several movies, that resonates with me. The man who, with no victory in sight chooses to fight on rather than to give up.

Is this man fighting for victory? How can he be? Victory is impossible. He is fighting for something else. We all want that. That deep purpose we can fight for, even when victory is impossible.

But what have we gone to? We men have embraced guaranteed victory, we fight for victory alone. We enter into battles we are almost sure to win, and then we wonder why we are bored.

What about those men who are crushed by feelings of failure? Is it possible that you too are fighting for victory? We need to fight for something, someone else, and there is only one worth pouring all our heart and effort into.

I fight for Jesus Christ. Maybe this sounds cheesy. Maybe too abstract. But it is hard, and I face failure constantly, and sometimes it is too much because I lost track of why I am fighting. In other words, I fight for victory rather than for Him; for love for Him.

Is He valuable enough to fight your whole life, fail everyday, and only see victory on your deathbed? Yes He is that valuable. He is eternal. He has all the power, justice, might, strength and beauty that I long for and then more than I could ever imagine.

For me though, I don’t have enough faith, and He has to give me victory sometimes, otherwise I would crumble. I wish I had more faith, and more love. Faith that I wouldn’t need the reminders of His victory, His strength, and His presence so often to carry on. I hope there are many of you out there that have that kind of faith.

What about you? Maybe you have been running from those battles that you might lose. Maybe the only battles you fight are in warcraft, or at the gym, or vicariously through your favourite sports team or movie. “I always win, just like Bruce Willis”. Ever wonder why Braveheart had more staying power than Die Hard? Because Braveheart speaks to real life: failure, but fighting on. Die Hard is pure victory. Everybody wins. It is fake and you know it, and not just because he tuck-and-rolled his way to safety after falling of a fighter jet.

So my question, and I would say, God’s question is:

Will you fight on today?

Where in the world is Adventure?

This weekend my pastor and I traveled to a small town of about 300 people called "Burton".

I have never heard of this place before. Being there was actually a little bit depressing for me in a way. There were virtually no families in the town, only retired people, and I just felt extra-specially insignificant in that little town. Like even if I was the most popular person in town, the world wouldn't care. Strange.

I was talking alot to the couple who had provided accomodation for us. What did I get from their stories? Adventure. Not only was there just intense relationship and love between them and some of the people that had dropped into their midst, they had started this whole "care pack to Afganistan" thing, since their son was in the army. It started with their church making up some care packs, and in a few months they were getting newspaper interviews, and a call from National defense saying, "Can you stop this please, we are getting so much stuff it is a security risk"!!! Her response? "I don't have any control over this!"
I saw the newspaper clippings! They had been on national news as well!

As I pondered these things, one phrase popped into my head.

"Adventure is about obediance, not location."

If you are seeking adventure, significance, purpose, vision, it doesn't matter where you are. What matters is that you are obediant to God. That doesn't have to be mistical at all. Just be obediant to what God has in His word! This could be as simple as asking someone to come over for dinner, let them into your world, you home. It can be as simple as telling someone how they have impacted your life. Sound like a small thing? It can be incredibly risky, and some people are too scared to do it!

I challenge all readers with this. Next time you meet someone, and they seem to you like they are being obediant to God to the best of their ability, ask them: "Are you bored?"

Social Over Information

There are some “new ideas” in teaching these days. I put parentheses because I’m a firm believer in “there is nothing new under the sun”. Anyway. One of these is that teachers should be teaching how to sift information, rather than just to absorb information. I find this to be very biblical as well as missing from the church in general. One of the strategies a person can used in sifting information is to discern where a person is coming from. If I just launched into my topic, without telling you where I was coming from, then you would have to assume my experiences and my reasons for being passionate about a certain topic, and you would not be able to balance it out. So here is my topic: social justice.

There has been a pendulum swing with social justice of late. People are seeing that the church has in many ways become irrelevant, and separated itself from the society it is trying to save. Well intentioned people are building a passion to see the church as a whole take Jesus’ words through James more seriously:

“If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

We are shifting away from the amount of reverence and respect we have for those who have high positions in the church, and now are more impressed by those who have started some amazing street ministries or record labels that show the love of Jesus Christ in practical ways.

The problem is that we were never meant to hold either of these people in too high of esteem. We are supposed to be looking to Jesus as our example, and not people. So in this very well intentioned revival, do we risk a new type of Roman Catholic church? Do we risk a legalism that says, “if your not out serving hot chocolate on a Friday Night, then there’s the door?” Am I saying this movement is bad? Most definitely not.

Here is what I am saying: We cannot inspire any action without preaching Jesus Christ as our motivation. Too many well intentioned and talented preachers rely too much on guilt tactics and, “look at what these amazing people are doing!” Again, sometimes this can be okay. But to base a whole movement on these is simply blasphemous. We need to remember that God is not pleased with our deeds, He is pleased with our faith (Isa 64:6, Heb 11:6). So to make a long story short, we need to be reminding ourselves of the greatness of God and His sacrifice, and out of that will come the faith and the works. If it comes out of anything else, then there is a problem.

Also, this issue of social justice is very difficult for people who, despite what they may want, are called to minister to those in the church. To those who are already saved. I believe I am one of those people. I have repeatedly been discouraged and frustrated at my attempts to have a ministry outside of the church, but I have seen time and time again my strongest spiritual gives flow in preaching, teaching, leading worship, and discipling. Any those that read that need to know that, because that is my bias. I have been criticized, albeit indirectly, relentlessly by those I admire because my calling is not to downtown. Or overseas. It is good for me though, because I can pursue what God has for me without having man’s esteem or my own pride to worry about so much. But I worry for those who are like me. Do they too feel the weight of being told, “get out there and do something!” I have questioned even my salvation numerous times because of a passionate person who has been called outside the body of believers to minister. How many people like me are relentlessly banging there head against a wall because this is what they are taught, but God wants them to minister to His children?

Let’s filter the information we get, and make Christ the center of all we do. That’s what I’m trying to say here.

There are some “new ideas” in teaching these days. I put parentheses because I’m a firm believer in “there is nothing new under the sun”. Anyway. One of these is that teachers should be teaching how to sift information, rather than just to absorb information. I find this to be very biblical as well as missing from the church in general. One of the strategies a person can used in sifting information is to discern where a person is coming from. If I just launched into my topic, without telling you where I was coming from, then you would have to assume my experiences and my reasons for being passionate about a certain topic, and you would not be able to balance it out. So here is my topic: social justice.

There has been a pendulum swing with social justice of late. People are seeing that the church has in many ways become irrelevant, and separated itself from the society it is trying to save. Well intentioned people are building a passion to see the church as a whole take Jesus’ words through James more seriously:

“If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

We are shifting away from the amount of reverence and respect we have for those who have high positions in the church, and now are more impressed by those who have started some amazing street ministries or record labels that show the love of Jesus Christ in practical ways.

The problem is that we were never meant to hold either of these people in too high of esteem. We are supposed to be looking to Jesus as our example, and not people. So in this very well intentioned revival, do we risk a new type of Roman Catholic church? Do we risk a legalism that says, “if your not out serving hot chocolate on a Friday Night, then there’s the door?” Am I saying this movement is bad? Most definitely not.

Here is what I am saying: We cannot inspire any action without preaching Jesus Christ as our motivation. Too many well intentioned and talented preachers rely too much on guilt tactics and, “look at what these amazing people are doing!” Again, sometimes this can be okay. But to base a whole movement on these is simply blasphemous. We need to remember that God is not pleased with our deeds, He is pleased with our faith (Isa 64:6, Heb 11:6). So to make a long story short, we need to be reminding ourselves of the greatness of God and His sacrifice, and out of that will come the faith and the works. If it comes out of anything else, then there is a problem.

Also, this issue of social justice is very difficult for people who, despite what they may want, are called to minister to those in the church. To those who are already saved. I believe I am one of those people. I have repeatedly been discouraged and frustrated at my attempts to have a ministry outside of the church, but I have seen time and time again my strongest spiritual gives flow in preaching, teaching, leading worship, and discipling. Any those that read that need to know that, because that is my bias. I have been criticized, albeit indirectly, relentlessly by those I admire because my calling is not to downtown. Or overseas. It is good for me though, because I can pursue what God has for me without having man’s esteem or my own pride to worry about so much. But I worry for those who are like me. Do they too feel the weight of being told, “get out there and do something!” I have questioned even my salvation numerous times because of a passionate person who has been called outside the body of believers to minister. How many people like me are relentlessly banging there head against a wall because this is what they are taught, but God wants them to minister to His children?

Let’s filter the information we get, and make Christ the center of all we do. That’s what I’m trying to say here.

Boldness vs Humility

Boldness vs Humility

Some conversations got me thinking about our claims that we have access to God. Isn't awfully presumptuous of us to think that we are of His elect? That we can "approach the throne boldly"? How can we be comforted by thoughts of Jesus coming with all His glory, when we are not sure who's side we will be on?

I love metaphors.

So lets say the brakes go on your car. You get a ride to work and your worried all day about what you will do with your car. You call a buddy when you get home and tell him your situation and ask if he can help. He says sure.

Expecting a ride, you come out the next morning to find your buddy in your driveway cleaning up some tools. "What's going on?" You ask.

"I fixed your brakes, but new ones in, I even tested them. Your good to go."

How would you react? What if you said, "Thanks man, but I'll just take a ride to work."
"what? Why?"
"I'd just feel better getting a ride."
"what, you don't believe me? Look, I've been fixing cars for years! Look, I have your old brakes out here on the driveway! I'm all dirty from fixing your car!"

So at what point is your fear an insult to your friend? you could excuse it by saying, "I don't know much about cars, and I just don't know how he did it, I don't' feel safe."

Same thing with the cross man. At what point does it become an insult to say, "Look God, I just don't believe I'm saved, that I'm on your side. Sorry."
"What? Here's your sin on the cross! Here is the blood poured out! I'm God! I never lie! I never mislead anyone! If you can't trust Me, who can you trust!"

Sure, you can say, "what if I interpreted it wrong." Well, I'll tell you what, if we as Christian interpreted this wrong, then we don't have a faith at all, so if you can't trust this one, you might as well give up on the whole deal.

I hope this makes sense.

I really want to keep this on the down low, but I finished a song that I shared here a while ago, and here are all the lyrics. I really hope it will draw people into who God is.

Who You Are

Every pen put to a page; is yours to guide; to move or to still

A tongue to talk, a hand to hold; a heart and lungs to empty and fill

You reach past the worst offense, the simple minds, the ignorance;

To help us understand true beauty.

Creation sings a single theme…

(Chorus) You are beautiful,

Like a promise never broken, like long-hidden love out, spoken.

like the prison gates flung open,

You are beautiful,

Like the only real safe place, to put my hope in.

Every pleasure, every joy, created and bestowed with delight.

Within You balanced perfectly, grace and justice; mercy and might.

The strength to stand and then to dance, every first and second chance,

Passed from holy hands, to dirty

So we can sing together now… (Chorus)

(Bridge) I praise You Lord, for the love You show

When you move the things, that hide who you are… (3x)

Oh Please take them out of my life…

So I can see that… (Chorus)

Haven't heard from me in a while, eh? Stuff has been happening anyway though, let me tell you. I guess I don't know how I'm going to say this because it is so simple, and in a way so cliche. I guess I've figured out what it means to focus on Jesus. To worship. To "set your eyes on the prize". I've also learned a lot about faith.

The biggest thing is realizing that I still think that Christians look at the Bible the way the Pharisees did. The look at it for rules and ways to live. We get things like "don't judge" and "love your neighbor" and tougher ones like "sell all you own and give it to the poor". The problem is that if these behaviours come from our own will-driven desire to be "good," they are idolatrous and blasphemous.

Here it is, red letter gospel:

John 5:38-9: You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life.

So many of us are still just trying to be GOOD. But how? by our own will power, and when we accomplish our lack new found moral behaviour, we have just given power to our idol of pride (look how good I am) or fear (phew, no one will see how I really am). I still do this a lot.

Now if I was reading this at this point, I would be thinking, "so what do I do, just sit around a watch the TV and hope God changes me?" No. We focus on God. WHO HE IS. WHAT HE HAS DONE.

Sometimes I go out and God shows me so much about His character. I say to Him, "no one can ever teach you anything. At every falling leaf, you know why it fell, when it began the process of falling, and when its successor will take its place. You create master pieces without a single tool. You put such care into creation that it would take a person 1000 years just to make a blade of grass with the same care."

These are characteristics of God. So how do we focus on who God is? On who Jesus is? We read about Him. We talk to Him. We walk with Him. Check this out...

¹¹And I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse, and He who sat on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and wages war.

¹²His eyes are a flame of fire, and on His head are many diadems; and He has a name written on Him which no one knows except Himself.

¹³He is clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God.

¹⁴And the armies which are in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, were following Him on white horses.

¹⁵From His mouth comes a sharp sword, so that with it He may strike down the nations, and He will rule them with a rod of iron; and He treads the wine press of the fierce wrath of God, the Almighty.

¹⁶And on His robe and on His thigh He has a name written, "KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."

I think there is a need to confess sin. To be aware of our depravity. But once we have done that, to continue to look at our sin and our fault is pointless. Saying we "should" be a certain way does not give us the power to do it. Jesus' love gives us the power to do it. We need to focus on Him and let His beauty change us. We need to acknowledge our sins not just as sins, but as reflecting a perspective that we don't have the faith to believe that God is better than TV, food, people's approval, personal pleasure, and selfishness. I'll be the first to admit that often my actions suggest that looking at a girl is better than God, who created feminine beauty!

This is what I do now. This is how I change. I avoid what I can in order to have God on the throne of my heart, and I try to love others.

I would encourage us all to put God 1st in our hearts, because as we all know, it's a long fall from 1st to 2nd. We were created to worship God, lets do what we were meant to do.

Tawmis.

Sacrifice...

I had a bit of an internal drama over the last few days that can be traced back to what might be a bit of sinful pride.

I was contemplating life in general, and I thought that I had finally come to a place where I could answer Jesus "yes" to the command he posed to the rich young ruler. That is, "sell all you own, and give it to the poor." But then it hit me. There is one thing that would be really hard for me to give up, if I could at all: my music.

I don't want to talk about why it is so important, I just talked to someone the other night who said their music wasn't very important to them, but he had something else. So for me, its my music.

I wrestled with this for quite a few days. The practicality of if, the motivation behind it, etc. etc. Last week I took a day just for me and God, and this question came up again in a big way, so that I finally relinquished. I would give away all of my music, however I could. Wipe my computer clean, delete everything off my ipod, etc.

I started going through the practical side of it, and it being Saturday, I remembered that pawn shops were commonly closed on Sunday, so I commited aloud: "okay Lord, I will bring them to the pawn shop on Monday." Knowing some of my tendencies, I next exclaimed, "Lord, I'm not going to go back and forth on this, my mind is made up, and if there is some reason why I should not do this, you will have to stop me somehow."

Almost immediately after I said this I realized that the promised Monday fell on a holiday. New Years Day to be exact. So immediately went into figuring out the next day I could bring them in, when God reminded me of my promise to bring them in Monday. All of a sudden the issue of giving away my music became the issue of "letting your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No'".

I could not deny that my prayer had been answered, God had stopped me. There were other things that happened that day that confirmed it further, but I kept myself open to the slim possibility that the pawn shop may be open on Monday. (Maybe they cash in on New Years resolution sales! Who knows?!)

Stay with me the point is coming....

So on Monday I packed up all my CD's, and headed for the pawn shop and of course, it was closed. As I rode away, I felt a bit of praise rising up in my that is explainable in a sense, I got to keep my CD's, right? but it was something different, it was something real.

It is simply this:

Why would God stop me from giving away my music?
Could it have been a good thing? Of course!
Even if it was a bit misguided, could it have been used for good? Yes!

I must conclude that God never asks us for anything unless it is Good for us. He doesn't even want me to go through the insignificant amount of pain that would be involved in giving up my music.

So when something hurts, or you think God is asking too much of you, just remember that He would not ask if it was not absolutely necessary for YOUR benefit. That's all.

Sorry...

I have a confession to make. I am arrogant. I have another confession. I am terribly hard on myself. Actually, I am both of these things, but right now, I'm going to talk about my tendancy to be arrogant.

Every once in a while God uses me to help someone. I fully know it's Him putting the words in my mouth and all that, and it is just awesome to be used by God. But as soon as that helpful thing has taken place, my old friend, you know, the one who comes to "steal, kill and destroy"? Well, he comes to take a beautiful thing that God has done, and try and pump up my pride. So I struggle with it just about every time, and I have learned a few ways to think about it, which I would like to share here.

Lets look at God as a carpenter first. When a carpenter fixes something, a passerby does not say, wow, that hammer did a good job fixing my house. No. They'll say, that carpenter did a good job fixing the house, right? Another example.

The statue of David. It is not recorded as "done by Hercules Sculpting equipment". No. It's done by Michelangelo. I think this point is fairly simple. The artist should get the credit, not the tool. Now here's an even more humbling point.

First of all, God is like super carpenter or artist, he could just push the nails in with His fingers, or shape the stone with His hands.

Now, when you read the first point, about the carpenter and the hammer, did you think, "now hold on, sometimes people do say, 'that hammer did a good job'". This is my more interesting point. In our culture, products are getting more and more credit for what the worker/artists/athlete accomplishes. Nike shoes make Michael Jordan jump higher. Black and Decker make the job look better and get done easier.

But here's what God loves to do. He goes to the tool box, and doesn't take the nice shiny new hammer. He doesn't take the moderately used, average hammer. No, he ducks down, and finds the old hammer that's been sitting on the floor under the desk for months. You know, the one that you didn't really want to look for, because you wanted an excuse to buy a new one anyway. it's covered in rust, and looks like the handle looks like it's ready to be put into the sarcophagus due to masses of duct tape holding it together, and he heads over to the project, and creates the most beautiful piece of art: Just so no one can say, "Oh, that's because he used a top of the line hammer."

Some thing else has happened to. Some thing a keen observer would notice. As the Lord used the hammer, it was being healed. The rust faded, the tape fell away, and when the project was done, The hammer is more beautiful than any other tool in the shop.

I hope this little analogy helps someone else as well. Take care.

So I admit I have been a bit of a baby lately, just in the way that I refused to write any more blogs unless I was receiving some sort of comment, so if there is actually anybody reading them, I'm sorry. Anyone who knows me knows there is always a ton of stuff going through my head, so I will just pick the first one that pops in... Born Again.

So I do a Bible study for a Christian college group called University Christian Ministries (UCM). It is pretty cool, but can be very frustrating at times. I lead the Bible study with another girl, and we were kind of in a rush one, day but we felt we completed a decent Bible study, so we went in there with it.

When we got there, thing just kind of stopped, but fortunately we just read through the Bible, and it was great, we read John 3:1-21. In it Jesus talks about being "born again." And something I never noticed before, he says that he puts this in "earthly terms"

Now if Jesus put it in earthly terms, then there must be more to it, so the Spirit began to work and some cool stuff came out it went some thing like this...

As I was talking, I realized that when we are born again, we are just like a baby: helpless, crying, needy, eating baby food, etc.

I got a strange image though. What if a baby always wanted to be a baby? What if it said, " I'm just going to stay helpless, why would I grow up? Here I get everything brought to me, I get my diaper changed, I get carried around, why would I want to get up out of this crib, try walking, exploring, etc.??"

I asked the attendees, what would you say to such a strange baby? How would you explain that there are so many amazing things to experience out there through growth?

The baby responds, "But what if I get hurt? Won't it just be safer to stay up in this crib? Can't I experience things from someone holding me and carrying me around?"

It's funny, because I would wager that not one person would deny that a baby experience infinitely more pain but getting up, crawling around, walking, running, and generally experiencing life. But at the same time, not one person would say, "your right, its safer to just stay a helpless baby."

I think we're seeing the point.

We do this in our Christian walks. We want to stay in the stage where God carries us around and shows us stuff. We want to eat baby food, have everything brought to us, and be consoled when we are lonely. But any good father would encourage a baby to get up and explore and experience life. And what kind of relationship does a baby have with his father? Not much. But a toddler has a better one, and a teen (if he's not nuts) will have an even better one.

So what I'm saying is, don't be afraid! Get out of your crib! If you stay their, your missing out in the same way a baby is that never wants to get out of her crib. Hope that all made sense. Peace.

Tawmis.

So Much...

As in, there is so much I learned this summer, I'm reluctant to even write anything! But I'll start with this...

So a few years ago I had a good friendship with a girl that I was strongly attracted to. I eventually told her of my feelings and found, to my dissapointment, that they were not reciprocated. I then went through a very painful process of continuing to spend time with her. I told myself that if I ever again was in a situation where I had feelings for a girl, and she didn't, that I would simply discontinue the relationship.

Fast forward to this summer, and we have the same story all over again. Though as I listened to God, I felt very strongly that I needed to continue this new relationship, despite the pain that could, and that already has resulted from it. I didn't know why. At first I thought that it was simply because discontinuing the relationship would just be selfish, as it would be simply to save my own feelings. Then God revealed to me a better reason: to learn about His character.

I have never understood this about God before as well as I do now.

God is untouchable. Invincible. Unvulnerable.

But here is the thing. He makes Himself vulnerable. Think about it. When God loves us, he takes a risk. Even worse, He knows the result in many cases. He knows that He will sometimes offer his heart, only to have it ripped in two by us. Have you ever loved somebody who doesn't love you back? Then you have a vague understanding of God's feelings. It hurts alot.

If you could choose to not love somebody, who you knew would hurt you, would you love them anyway? Not likely. but God does. I cannot overemphasize this.

As Christians we talk alot about God giving up His son and the love that shows, and I don't mean to devalue that. But we close our eyes to the fact that God suffers everyday from our rejection. But there is an amazing side to this to...

It brings God so much joy when we return His love. Imagine that person that you loved, who never loved you, one day coming up to you and hugging you and saying, "I'm sorry, I really do love you." Would it not bring tears to your eyes?

I believe those tears are in the eyes of God as well. And for some reason, it makes all the hurt worth it for Him.

Doubt...

These last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I can't really pinpoint what made them so tough, my head has just been a mess.

Alot of it was feelings of dissatisfaction and isolation. I had a couple of occations where I felt really rejected by certain people. Just like I wasn't even worth a glance. It's not a nice feeling. The fact that I didn't have anyone to share this with kind of compounded my feelings of inadequacy.

Then just doubt. I've had more than my fair share lately. My exams have been far from successful, it seems like all my grades are dropping, and I don't know why. I put the same effort and everything. The doubt thing came to a head when i got a call about a guy wanting to take my room in my house... permanently.

For those of you who don't know, I have to go tree planting every summer, and my only hope of not having to go through all the stress and uncertainty of finding a place to live each fall, is if I can get some one to rent my room for the summer. I don't want to explain why it is so hard on me to not know where I will live in the fall, because it would take too long. Let me just say that the fact that I don't have a car or any home base anywhere in the world is just the start of my difficulties.

I was in bad shape. then I actually started believing what I know.

What is the point of all this? School, work, church, life. Is it not to glorify God? And how do we please God? With faith. Or, it is impossible to please God without faith.

In Philip Yancy's take on Job, God allowed those things to happen to Job because faith is soooo important to God. It tips the scales of the universe. It rattles the chains of eternity. Unlike the pains we experience in our lives, it will be remembered forever. Forever.

As usual, I don't know how long this mind frame will last. It could be a huge step I've taken in my walk. It could be temporary reprieve from the mental burden that I tend to place on myself. But the lesson is true.

Co-Dependant Tree Planting...

I usually wait until I get at least one comment on a blog before I do another one... but oh well...

Tree planting metaphor hit me the other day, and maybe those who don't tree plant will feel left out, but here it goes anyway.

Partner planting. Most people like doing it, because it breaks up the monotony of a day by yourself. There are two kinds of partner planting though. First there is co-dependant planting planting. This is were one planter B is significantly slower than planter A, but planter A feels it is more important to stick with B than to reach his or her full potential and striking out on their own. The second kind is competitive planting. This is where both planters are trying to out plant the other one, which actually makes both of them work harder and faster than they would on their own. They are focused on the prize. That can be money, or it can be God, for God calls us to give our best effort.

*Just to warn you, this metaphor has flaws, but... *

Its just like our walk with God. Sometimes we fall into a co-dependant walk with another person. We start out together in the same place. but as you go, you realize that you are being called to move ahead of your partner, and your just not willing to. Its to hard to abandon the close relationship you had with them. The problem is, if you don't move ahead, you'll never know if that person could keep up with you. But even if you can't, you have to move ahead! One big flaw in this metaphor is that in your walk, God is always with you, though sometimes it can feel like you are planting by yourself.

In a way, its not a flaw, because God is with us when we are planting by ourselves too, and we can see Him all around us if we open our eyes.

Stare at the Sun...

There is a Thrice song that I really relate to. Its called Stare at the Sun, and it is an anthem of a struggling soul, knowing that there's just something wrong with the way they are pursueing God, and in the bridge he expresses that there must be "a mirror that hasn't me my fist," in other words, a way to percieve himself that he has not yet fathomed.

I have made the first step to discover one of those things, and I share it here because I think maybe someone, somewhere could benefit.

Everyone knows God loves and excepts them as a basic principle of Christianity. But I knew I was missing something still. Then it hit me, could someone love me, and still be dissapointed in me? Could someone except me and still be dissapointed in me? The answer is yes. However, a big realization for me one night, is that God is not dissapointed with me. It was amazing to think this. I could barely utter the words, because I believed so strongly that he was dissapointed in me, and that belief is still strong in my heart. I'm working on it. I think part of it is that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I exceed someone expectations, and I can never exceed God's expectations. But what I have to understand is that God takes joy in me anyway. He delights in my prayer and my worship, even if my heart isn't always 100%, He knows I'm trying.

Of course, understanding this in my head is only the first step, and we can never really know how long it will take to get our heart to believe it. But I'll say with Dustin Kensrue from Thrice...

"I'll stare straight, into the sun and I won't close my eyes....


.... till I understand, or go blind."

3 wishes...

I remember when I as little I used to think about what I would wish for if I had 3 wishes. Or any wishes for that matter. Somethings I used to think of was to be stronger, faster, better looking, more popular, etc. A little later in life, I came up with a more sophisticated wish: to be satisfied. So if I had one wish it would be, "Genie, I pray that I would be satisfied in whatever place I fall." With one slight amendment: "and to meanwhile be striving to better myself." Man was I ever clever! But now comes the same delmna that dominated the Victorian age. The contradiction which cause Samuel Smiles to say that for those that could rise above their station they should do so, but for those that can't, they should rest content with their lot. (more or less.)

That's a contradiction! A person cannot be satisfied with a part of their life and still be striving to better it! If I was satisfied with how many push-ups I could do, then what would be the sense of doing more? What would motivate me, other than maintaining that ideal number?

In this light I look upon my character flaws, and my self frustrations. There will be that ever existing tension in me, and I must get used to it. It my lack of satisfaction with my character that will push me to be a better person. Its my lack of faith that will push me to have more. And to end this on a high note, I can never rest thinking, "I'm alright." But I can rest knowing that I am doing my best; making the right steps.

God, may you always give me a nudge when I am not doing my best.

I went to the UCM conference thing this weekend, and it was really good. Probably the high point, or the low point, is when I went for a walk on Sunday night.

By now I know alot of the fundamental truths of Christianity. We are saved by grace, not works and we need to be thankful and trust in God for changes made to my life. But this weekend, I just broke. I was finally able to put something into words:

"God I know I can't earn your love, I already have it. But I want to do better! I want my heart to be pure! I want to worship you in spirit and in truth! I want to focus on you and not on the things of this world! Maybe I'm not obligate to do these things, but I want to!"

This prayer was made in anguish and with much tears. I am seriously sick of my fleshly way of thinking, and I want to change so bad. SO BAD!

I can think of alot of Bible verses that commend this attitude, but honestly, I really don't care if its a good attitude. I don't want a good attitude, I want to change and live a thankful, worshipful life for God. I want to love people that are arrogant and self centered. I want to give of myself and be able to pray for hours for the needs of others without even thinking about it. so much.

The worst thing is I have to work myself up to this attitude. It slips away so easily, and come back with so much effort. I can look back on each day and see actions, thoughts, and words that contradict this desire I have. God save me.

Tawmis.

I haven't written in a while, mostly due to the fact that everytime I was motivated to write, I felt like I was in too much of a downer mood...

Sermon this morning was on Numbers, when the report comes back from the spies, and all but two of them say "the people are too strong! we want to go back to Egypt!" This is a serious lack of faith.

I can't help but wondering sometimes if my decisions to stay home and do homework rather than go out and hike up a mountain or play floor hockey represent a lack of faith that God will pull me through my school work, than a disciplined attitude towards school. Sometimes putting God first in life seems so simple, and at other times it could not be more compicated.

Anyway, I'm taking a weekend off to go on this seminar type thing. I struggled with it alot: I have not taken a weekend off since I started this program. I suppose this will be the test. Am I showing how lazy and selfish I am by going on this trip? Or am I showing my faith and devotion to my walk and others by going on it?

The trouble is, God doesn't alway tell you what you did was right, right after you do it. I will know for sure one day, but for now I can only look to the consequences for guidance. Man do I need dicernment.

Tawmis.

New group, good bunch of people at school, go under the name "UCM"; University Christian Ministries... or thats my best guess anyway.

So I was asked to share something at one of their meetings, and let me tell you, I find this group one of the most intimidating... really strong Christians there, fun group, but really take their faith seriously, and I don't know them that well yet, so I planned to share something from this page actually, the first thing I blogged... its pretty straight forward, relevant to the college crew... you know.

Then all of a sudden God was like, "Tawmis, you can't help people by just saying something clever, it has to be My words, you don't know whats in the heart of these people; what they need to hear, I do." So I'm like (as some people could predict) "of course... I'm such an idiot... so what should I say God? Give me your message for these people.

Guess what He brought up? That issue that had offended a couple at my other talk. I'm like, well maybe. Then he brought something else up. "you know what else Tawmis? You should share that song that I gave you this year." Now I'm like, "no, your kidding, right?" So there are several reasons I'm fighting this now.

1. I have almost no time to work this idea into a single solid idea
2.If I don't find a tactful way of doing this, I will make enemies of a bunch of people I don't even know
3. I can't help thinking prideful thoughts about singing my song.

So now I'm thinking, is this God? Or my own show-off nature? Its actually a huge issue for me. I want to sing, share my songs, my gift, but I have a hard time separating my pride from it, and really giving all the credit to God in my heart. Honestly, when i think about it, I'm not even that good. But it sneaks up on me, little thoughts like, "yeah, everyone is going to think your so great if they know you write and perform your own music..." I HATE those thoughts, but they come, and honestly, the only time I can sing and play guitar with peace in my heart now is when I'm alone, becasue I know that there is no pride in that, no one to sing to, no audience.

Anyway, to end the story, I got past all that stuff, if only during the time I was doing my talk, God spoke in huge ways that morning, and it went really well, then part II of the delemna starts... the compliments. I made a point of avoiding people that were at the meeting that morning, because they would talk about it, and I didn't want to talk about it.

Nevertheless, people found me, and said "good job" and "thanks" and I really wanted to stop them and explain that its not me... its God, i don't have anything in me that touches and heals hearts, everything that morning was God. But it just was making to big a deal of it, and I just lowered my eyes and muttered a quick, "thanks" because I know people are just trying to encourage me. I got to explain my feeling on the topic to one person, so that was good.

In the end, I'm no closer to finding an answer of how to separate my pride from these things, and to truly knowing in the depths of my soul that my everybreath, every note, every good thing comes from my Father in heaven. Pretty frustrating.

God has really been showing me alot about His character through the old Testament lately...

I've told some of you there was this girl out tree planting this year, who has a heart for God, but just can't seem to get past a certain thing in her life. I don't want to be too arogant, but I believe its just that she can't see how beautiful God sees her as, and how beautiful God has made her through His son's sacrifice. Really hard for me to see.

I've seen it several times, I believe. Actually, lots of times. The interesting thing was I was reading a Philip Yancy book at the time called, "The Bible Jesus Read," and it talks about how the major prophet books are in alot of ways God telling us how he feels. Interestingly enough, he uses a metaphor of a young girl, who he adopts and raises into a beautiful queen. This is a metaphor for the nation of Israel. The woman he loves, raises, and cares for eventually starts to prostitute herself to the world, breaking God's heart.

Of course, my experience is only a small representation of what happened to God as well. Then the other night I had to speak, and during the talk, I was able to share my heart on that issue, about girls not seeing how beautiful they are to God. Some people got offended by it, and I struggled with what I should do about it.

At the peak of my anxiety, I cracked open the Bible and guess where I started reading? In Ezekiel, where God is expressing just that metaphor I was talking about. It was pretty crazy. I'm not 100% yet, but I believe this is the first time ever God has ever prompted me to say something potentially offensive, and I did. I really hope some good things come out of it. And I am praying that I would be able to express myself more clearly to anyone that misunderstood, but yeah.

The point is, getting to know God is sometimes not pleasant, in a secular way at least. God has been hurt alot, and to understand that, we have to really be sorrowful sometimes, but we have a promise, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." More on this later.

Hey! No one is commenting!! Oh well... its a good lead in...

Cory's post kinda made me think about this, again. As I have shared with some people last year was a time of extreme solo time. I had little or not close male or female friends, and I often wrestled with my feelings of lonelyness which I felt seriously took away from my time with God last year. It kept me from being thankful alot of the time, not to mention being extremely miserable and hard... a whole school year... alone.

The hardest thing about it, was that the Bible back up my complaints. Jesus had his close circle of friends, Paul did, even Job had his friends come around.

When I got to Nanaimo, I almost started to panic when I started seeing the same patterns happening again. I'm not exactly sure what happened then. I know I started to take notes when I studied the Bible. I know I wrote some more songs. But I don't know if either of these things explains the way I was suddenly okay one day. God just revealed himself to me in a new way. I can't explain it.

So whats the point? Well, the point is, sometimes, you have a bad attitude, struggle with self-pity, or something else. Now, I'm not just saying lay down and wait it out. I'm saying the opposite... Keep moving! That being said, sometimes to just keep moving is the hardest thing at all. But I think God let me go through this for a number of reasons, but one is to remind me that its just His strength that does it in the end. I tried everything to get out of my self-pity/lonliness/whatever. But in the end, it was just God's grace.

Another thing that happened after I got over this, the friends started showing up. After I was taught (I can't even take the credit for learning this) to rely on God again, it was okay for me to have friends again. I just gotta remember to lean on God.